Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me: *gets out of pool*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
Alright ok fine
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…