I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
fired
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.