@UncleDuke1969

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

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@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@sidleykate

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

@MrsJCtoyou

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

@jordan_stratton

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

@SemFitty

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

@thatnerddad

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

@Amusitr0n

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

@boredbostonian

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

@Kyle_Lippert

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”