@1followernodad Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
@UncleDuke1969 I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
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@1followernodad 
@sidleykate People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
@MrsJCtoyou Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
@jordan_stratton [Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
@SemFitty Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
@thatnerddad If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
@Amusitr0n Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
@UNDEADTRESOR I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
@boredbostonian I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
@Kyle_Lippert Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”