I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

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Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.


People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.


Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones


[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]


Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.


If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.


Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*


I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.


I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”