I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
You Might Also Like
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Can. I. Help. You.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Air conditioning – not a fan
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to