I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
You Might Also Like
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye