I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.