I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.