“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
OKAY DAD
Cinematography is my passion
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?