I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Cat.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Tremendous stuff
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.