I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
they finally got him. they got macavity
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Cake!!
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I feel it
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.