I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[montage of me giving-up]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.