I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My dad.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”