I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Cat is stressing him out.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.