I saw nothing
You Might Also Like
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you