I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
This makes total sense…
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.