I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.