I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’