Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Velcrow

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas