I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
This why you should mind your business
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought