i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you