I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea