I saw this ending much differently.

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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]


[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”


I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”


Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.


[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.


Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*


Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.


It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.


“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”