@Jamie24272184

I saw this ending much differently.

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@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@ChaseMit

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

@jakelikesnaps

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@XplodingUnicorn

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

@Greg_1_Leg

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

@awordforaword

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

@IAmYardDad

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear