I saw this ending much differently.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.