@Jamie24272184

I saw this ending much differently.

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@panmidwest

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@SundaeDivine

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

@david8hughes

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

@bylinetd

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

@BacklineNurse

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”