@Jamie24272184

I saw this ending much differently.

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@dad_chips

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@Zombieionism

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@Bunnydurden

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

@kidnappedagain

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom