I saw this ending much differently.

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Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]


Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.


I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore


Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom