I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
there has never been a better use of this meme
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*