I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.