“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*updates tinder bio*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill