” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
War & Peace
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My inexpensive home security system…
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.