I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.


Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.


(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT


Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide


You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable


Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.


When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.


my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport