I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Jogging
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed