I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me in tagged photos
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
This makes total sense…
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!