I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
A short story about romance.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
live long and prosper!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.