I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something