@urfavoritejoel

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

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@wildethingy

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

@SteveSuckington

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

@aidanjsears

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@PeachCoffin

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

@marinhubka

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

@QueenVofCoffee

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

@Marlebean

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

@Ideal_Victoria

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.