I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.