I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
spot the difference
They must have gotten it to go.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*