I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Okay me first
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?