I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Owl Sanctuary
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
what’s the point then??
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy