I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m going to need a moment here.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
it was love at first sight
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
This is sending me to another galaxy
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?