I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?