I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I am yelling
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster