I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
<- sleeps well with others
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Basketball
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.