@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

You Might Also Like

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

@BoomBoomBetty

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

@SheOverAnalyzes

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@Havish_AF

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

@jollyrobber

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.