I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Lmaoo 😂
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.