I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill