I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on