I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My summer body has been pending for about ten years