@Baddiel

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

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@RickAaron

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

@papasuncle

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

@MaraWilson

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

@ItsMeAshleyWee

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

@permawedgie

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@HatfieldAnne

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

@AndyAsAdjective

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”