I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
and now we wait
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me when someone tries to get to know me
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks