[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.