I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“We will wed,” I threatened
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*