I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here