I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
the three genders
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.