I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas