I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
You Might Also Like
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Geez man, take it easy.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.