*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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When someone trying to leave me
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?