I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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