I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son