I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant