I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Plumber: I think I found the problem
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day