i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
You Might Also Like
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that